Groundhog Day

If it's almost February 2, it must be time for articles praising the sublime genius that is Harold Ramis' film Groundhog Day. Roger Ebert has written a long reflection on the film and how Bill Murray makes it work by, well, being Bill Murray.

Springtime for Smallville

I've spoken before about how Smallville has taken leave of mere shark-jumping and has instead attained a truly insane and almost willful abandonment of anything resembling sense. Last night's episode was a new high (or low, depending on how you're scoring it), so awful that we watched, slack-jawed in horror, like the opening night crowd watching the opening number of Springtime for Hitler. I'm not sure I've ever seen such a disingenuous, incoherent, and just plain hideous piece of television. "Spock's Brain" is like a fourth-season episode of Homicide in comparison.

For starters, there was the plot: Audrey, the teleporting girl who's obsessed with Clark, is discharged from the crazy house, so of course she beelines for Clark. Now that she's certifiably Not Nutty, they start going out. Jonathan and Martha contribute to Clark's ongoing psychological problems by objecting not on the grounds that the girl USED TO STALK CLARK but because she knows his secret.

Meanwhile, Lana is stalking her boring boyfriend and decides the problem is that she's not having sex with him. At which point we learn that Chloe boinked Jimmy Olsen off-screen after the first season of the show.

Let me repeat that: Chloe boinked Jimmy Olsen. I'm just sayin', here, is all.

That's a pretext for Chloe's stilted, statistic-citing speech to Lana about making sure you're ready and what-not. And so Lana goes off and tries to sleep with Boring Guy, who turns her down and then babbles on about plotlines no one, including the writers of the show, actually cares about. Meanwhile, Audrey wants Clark to run away with her so she gives him a necklace make of Red Kryptonite roofies and they run off to Vegas, get married, and nearly boink, but then Audrey decides she really wants Clark Clark, not Red K Clark, so she takes off the necklace, Clark freaks out, goes home, and Audrey teleports in fromt of a bullet that her former doctor -- who is now stalking her, and ealous of Clark -- shoots at Clark. But she's not killed, so it's OK. And then Marths yells at Clark for everything he did under the influence of Red Kryptonite.

If you don't watch Smallville, you may read this and think, boy, this show is really confusing, but it must make more sense if you watch it every week. You would be wrong.

I guess there are several lessons to be learned here:
1. Sex is bad.
2. If you're slipped roofies, whatever happens is your fault. Good thing the Kents didn't adopt Veronica Mars.
3. If you really want to show that sex is bad, have your characters running around half-nekkid for most of the episode.
4. A scene of a character who's been drugged for sexual purposes cavorting around a Vegas wedding suite with the person who did the drugging can be played for laughs. If you're a fucking moron, that is.

There will be bluenoses who criticize the episode for its racy content, but these people are missing the point. The problem isn't the content per se, it's the leering, sniggering tone of the whole thing and the sheer sloppiness and crappiness of its storytelling. It reminded me of the worst treatments of the sex lives of the characters on Buffy during that series' first UPN season, only worse by a factor of ten.

Smallville dug itself a pretty deep rut for its characters' romantic lives early on. Instead of setting up a Betty-and-Veronica or Gwen Stacy-and-Mary Jane dynamic among the cast members, the creators of the series opted instead to focus on everyone pining for everyone else: Pete (remember Pete? I didn't think so) secretly pined for Chloe, Chloe pined for Clark , Clark pined for Lana (apparently he likes 'em without a personality), and Lana was dating a football player...with the net result that nothing much ever actually HAPPENED to the characters, romantically.

As a contrast, consider Buffy. We knew that there were different things at stake (no pun intended) for the characters in their various relationships throughout the series, and as a result what they did and who they did it with mattered. So when Xander hooked up with Faith and we saw Willow crying her eyes out when she found out about it even though she was dating Oz, just to take one example, we cared and we understood her, emotionally. On Smallville, we've watched these people spin their wheels for so many years that as squickish as the idea of Chloe boinking Jimmy Olsen is, well, at least she did something about something. And besides, we all know Clark and Lex are the ones who want to get together...

Orange crush

The great Alton Brown was in town yesterday as part of his book tour. He was, in person, everything you'd expect him to be; he talked briefly about baking (the subject of his new book), then answered questions before signing books for the several hundred people who were there. He practices the classy celebrity art of introducing himself to everyone as they come up: "Hi, I'm Alton." Mary Jo Pehl did the same thing after her live show last year. In line, I finally had a chance to get an answer to a stupid question that's perplexed me since I was a wee lad: Why is it that, at a picnic or cookout, orange soda gets warm so much faster than the other sodas?

In fine Socratic form, Alton (if you were present for the Neil Patrick Harris incident last summer in New York, I can call him that because he introduced himself to me as such) asked me why I thought that might be the case.

"Um...it's a bright colored liquid in a transparent bottle..."

"Would it happen in cans?"

"Not if what I just said is right, because they're opaque..."

"Exactly. It has to do with the spectrum of the liquid and the opacity of the bottle. And that is not a stupid question."

I was impressed by how singly he focused his attention on me while we spoke and how damn serious he was about telling me my question wasn't stupid. He really takes the educative part of his work seriously. That's really damn cool.

Johnny Carson

As a member of the last college graduating class that watched David Letterman at 12:30 am on NBC, I really only remember Johnny Carson as the guy who was on before Letterman. So if you want insights into the man and his career, go read Mark Evanier's site. Which you should do before you read mine anyway.

Achenblog!

Dudes: Joel Achenbach, the Washington Post writer with whom I'd most like to have a beer and the author of the mind-blowing book Captured By Aliens has a blog.

Small world dept.

De Baisch of the incomparable Retroactive Continuity blog had a close encounter with the crazy, annoying guy who sings hymns on the Metro. The Washington Post's Marc Fisher wrote a column a few years ago that depicted him as a harmless, charming eccentric; Mr. Fisher has no doubt never been a captive audience for this guy's hideous, atonal performances. What I always found most intrisuive and offensive about the singing guy is that there is literally no way to avoid his singing when you're on a subway with him; you can walk past a street performer, but you simply cannot get away from an idiot singing badly in a small, confined space full of people who would probably rather be somewhere else to begin with.

A surreal question

I just spent part of the afternoon unable to turn away from the deranged awfulness that is VH1's Surreal Life. That Chyna person from wrestling -- someone, please, tell me: Is that a man?

Empirical proof

And so it turns out 30 really IS too old to pull an all-nighter on a paper. I used to just suspect it. Now I have proof. Hideous, awful, hammers-pounding-on-me-wee-brain proof. Ignorance was bliss.

Accidental TV viewing

Mikester accidentally watched Battlestar Galactica earlier this week. That's pretty awful, but not as awful as accidentally watching Galactica 1980 like I did yesterday. The horror...

Things we can learn at Newsarama

1. Hugh Laurie is likely to play Perry White in the new Superman movie.

2. Fanboys don't watch House.

3. The guy who runs Newsarama has never watched OZ.

4. The notion of "acting," in which dramatickal roles are played by individuals capable of recreating a wide range of different personality types, emotions, etc., is an alien one to the 21st Century fanboy.

5. One should really try to find one's casting news elsewhere than insular message boards.

A friend indeed

A good friend is one who, when you call her and explain that you're stressed out and need to hear something funny or interesting or gossipy that has nothing to do with that which has stressed you out, pauses, and then tells you she has a date tomorrow night with a bouncer she met on New Year's Eve.

I'm just sayin', is all, here.

It was a very nice touch

Last night's Sherlock Holmes-themed episode of CSI was good on its own terms; learning that it was broadcast on Sherlock Holmes' birthday earns it additional style points. Kudos to the CSI folks!

Super DC Direct thoughts

Looking over DC Direct's scheduled offerings for 2005, I can't help wondering if the Composite Superman figure means a Curt Swan-George Klein style Superman figure isn't in the pipeline. The Composite Superman figure has much more of a Weisinger-era Swan feel than any of DC's previous Superman figures.

And that would be fine with me; just before Christmas I picked up the utterly perfect First Appearance Superman figure, based on his depiction in Action Comics #1, and I'd love to have a whole shelf of different artists' interpretations.

Why burn out when you can fade away?

Fox has apparently never met a show it wouldn't strangle the life out of:

Fox's disco-era series had been widely expected to be deep-sixed following its current season, especially with stars Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher indicating they're ready to leave the grind of sitcomdom for the movie world, and with show ratings way down.

But now Daily Variety reports that network executives are moving toward renewing the show for another season and have locked down contracts for several cast members and have outlined a plan that would even see Kutcher come back for a eighth season in a significantly reduced role.

It's not that I'm worried about the artistic integrity of That 70s Show -- I haven't watched a first-run episode in a few years -- but, damn, it's amazing to watch history repear itself. Remember how well David Duchovny's reduced role worked out on X-Files?

Hey, maybe they could bring Robert Patrick aboard to replace Topher Grace...

Trio

Mark Evanier reports that Trio has disappeared from his DirectTV, which probably means the weird little cable channel that could, well, can't for very much longer. Which is a damn shame; any channel that could bring us Brilliant But Cancelled, Flops, and Quentin Tarantino Week is a channel worth having.

If they hang around that long, they're scheduled to show the complete series of Spaced, the British sitcom by the same folks who did Shaun of the Dead, on January 29th and 30th. Spaced isn't available on DVD in the United States, sadly, so I wonder: Are there any technophilic video junkie bloggers out there who'd be willing to take up the challenge of burning Trio's presentation of Spaced onto DVD as a public service?

It's never too early...

One of the things I've found fascinating about the aftermath of the election is the continuing high profile of John Kerry. Kerry's in an almost unprecedented position in modern politics: A nominee who came very close to defeating an incumbent President and still holds office in Washington, D.C., which helps keep him in the national spotlight. So it's no surprise to read that he's thinking about another run for President in 2008. Part of his strategy has to include looking and acting like the leader of his party, and he's in a good position to do that, as long as the rest of the party goes along with it. I'm not sure it will work for him, and even if it does, I'm not sure he can win a national election, thanks to the disgusting smear campaign that was run against him, but you can't really blame a guy for trying.

This puts John Edwards in a tough spot, of course; how do you run against someone you ran with? I can't see him willing to risk a run against Elizabeth Dole in 2006 for the other North Carolina Senate seat, even if the political winds are blowing favorably, because a loss would knock him permanently out of contention for 2008 and a win would keep him from devoting full time to another run. But I also can't really see Kerry picking the same guy to be his running mate in 2008 should he manage to pull off a second nomination. I'm sure he'd have a place in a Kerry administration, but who the hell wants to be the Dick Schweiker of the 21st Century?

Less is more

I'm not especially thrilled to read that a new Angel comic may be "resolving some of the lingering cliffhangers from the series finale". As cliffhangers go, that one was pretty damn awesome and thematically perfect for the series. And comics based on TV and movies generally suck. And finally, Joss Whedon's shows start fray after five seasons or so; if Buffy had continued, the current season would probably consist entirely of Andrew and Kennedy sitting on the porch drinking lemonade.

NB: The "comics based on TV and movies generally suck" rule does not apply to the forthcoming Buckaroo Banzai comic.