Open letters inspired by a week of grading AP exams

Dear student who took the question about the War Powers Act as an opportunity to complain about evolution, secular humanism, Nancy Pelosi, and gay people:

You did not get a poor score on this question because of your political beliefs. You got a poor score on this question because you didn't answer the question. At all.

~

Dear student who took the question about the War Powers Act as an opportunity to complain about George W. Bush, Mumia, the military-industrial complex, Fox News, and John Bolton's moustache:

You did not get a poor score on this question because of your political beliefs. You got a poor score on this question because you didn't answer the question. At all.

~

Dear person who stood behind me in line for lunch on Tuesday:

Thank you for taking the time not just to bump into me every five seconds that I stood in front of you, but for taking the time to invent new ways of bumping into me. Most people would not show the person they're annoying that level of personal attention.

~

Dear Tom Jones,

I think I showed remarkable restraint in not working lyrics from that other Tom Jones' body of work into conversation until we'd worked together for five days.

~

Dear student who answered Question 2 in Latin, Question 3 in Spanish, and Question 4 in cartoon form:

I appreciated your explanatory note that you didn't care about this exam because "Berkeley doesn't care how you do" and that your school still made you take the test. However, a number of points must be made: First, your cartoon incorrectly depicted West Virginia as siding with the Confederacy during the Civil War. Second, while my Latin is rusty at best, I am fairly certain that you mistranslated "United States." Third, one of the readers at my table is a California high school teacher and told me that enough good AP scores could allow an incoming student to arrive on campus as the equivalent of a second-semester sophomore. Annual tuition, fees, and housing at UC Berkeley total $20,777 for in-state residents and $39,461 for non-residents. So, clearly, someone there cares at least a little bit.

~

Dear Burger King manager and friend who were making some sort of extremely complicated transaction involving a small TV set, lots of small bills, and a truck in the parking lot, all across the counter while I stood waiting to place my order:

I saw nothing.

~

Dear residents of Daytona Beach and assorted visitors:

Put a shirt on. Please.

~

Dear Daytona County Convention Center,

You are the Battlestar Galactica of convention centers. The ship, not the show.

~

Dear Daytona Beach Hilton,

In retrospect, I'm not sure why I took such glee in abusing your policy of replacing any and all toiletries that have been opened, moved, or touched with brand-new ones while leaving the originals there. The pile of hotel toiletries I must now fit into the medicine chest in the bathroom looks cheap and tawdry.

Also, three computers in a sixteen-floor hotel do not really constitute a business center.

~

Dear Conrad Hilton,

I hope you don't get the news up there in whatever afterlife you've found yourself in.